LaToya Ottley

    I was introduced to group relations recently in my professional life at Bureau Kensington Consulting. I felt excited to attend the NGRC as it presented the opportunity to more deeply engage with group relations concepts. The conference would ask us to discuss our political identities and affiliations and mine were inherited from my mother. She stayed up-to-date with Canadian and American politics and as my guardian, I trusted and never questioned her decisions regarding this topic. However, as I became an adult, politics did not become as important to me as they were to her. Honestly, it was one of the last things on my mind. Considering this, while I was excited, I hardly felt prepared to participate as a “rookie” in group relations AND political matters. I also had preconceived notions of the “who” and “how” of the conference; assuming I would be an obviously black female with my cornrowed hair trying to look and sound professional amongst many older, professional, and more well informed participants. Nonetheless, I put on a game face and signed on to the Saturday morning virtual meeting.

     Upon entering, I noticed that a black male was leading the introduction. My guard went down somewhat. As more staff introduced themselves, I saw a large number of other black facilitators and individuals of various different ethnicities in positions of leadership. With that diverse group, I felt much more comfortable and my worry of having to “code switch” – something I have learned to do well –  dissipated. I was able to focus more on the information being delivered by the speaker and less on how I would adapt to the participation standard I assumed would be set in the space. As the introductory speech went on, I began to understand that this was a conversational space. There seemed to be no agenda to influence participants or get participants to conform to some type of behaviour or way of thought. I felt relieved that even though I hadn’t given much thought to my political affiliation and identity before now, I didn’t need to pretend like I did. Rather, I could explore what I think about different events going on around me with others of various perspectives and allow some personal truths to emerge, seeing where they fit on the political spectrum. I allowed my guard to go all the way down and stepped up to be the first person in the space that introduced themselves. I didn’t say much but I felt ready and safe enough to expose myself to whatever was coming next. Others from all over the world introduced themselves by recapping dreams, telling stories, sharing negative and positive feelings…; I quickly realized that this would be unlike any other conference that I had ever been a part of.

     In our first small group we discussed the here and now with people of similar political affiliations. The conversation started off fairly innocent as we shared that we found it difficult to get accurate information from the news. I thought we were off to a great start when our facilitator commented that he found it interesting we would speak about getting accurate information yet he had a difficult time understanding what was going on in our group. From then on, I would be confused about the goal of the conference. I felt shocked and as though I was doing this all wrong. My attention was now on figuring out how to express what was going on inside me and to figure out “the answer” to what was going on in the group… but I didn’t know how. Do I talk more? Do I ask more questions? What is supposed to be going on and how does it relate to political identities? Am I thinking of politics too narrowly or too wide because I thought we were on to something, and why didn’t I ask for clarification around the facilitators comment? He mentioned the feeling of anxiety that everyone might be feeling in the space and although mine had previously left me, with this comment, it quickly returned. In hindsight, I am learning that one of the ways I deal with fear of the unknown is to “throw myself in”. I decided that I would step up and simply speak; furthermore, be very forthcoming and candid about my experiences. Although I’m not confident that what I was about to say would be relevant, I was hopeful that someone would pick something out of it. 

     A couple key moments happened in this here and now event that would determine how I functioned for the remainder of the day. The first was when an older white male found it noteworthy that I would step out. He considered me a leader in the space. He was aware of my blackness and that I am a female and was cautious, based on the method of group relations that he follows, to not allow me to step up to then turn round and tear me down. The second was my verbalized curiosity of the parallel between the connotations of the terms “young black male” and “older white male”. I wondered if the term “older white male” now felt as heavy as it feels to be a young black male however; other ladies in the space felt like the responses from the two older white males were excuses whereas I verbalized that I felt like my questions were answered. In that moment, I experienced an internal battle; where was my “loyalty”? Even though I genuinely felt like my questions were answered and wasn’t looking for acceptance from them, I worried that I was being perceived as a defender of the white male ego; denying my blackness, femaleness, and my responsibility to protect both. The pride and validity I felt from being a leader – not because a white male “gave it to me” but because it was my first time attending a GR conference and I thought it meant I was exploring “correctly” – was replaced within by shame.

     Until now, I have been thinking about these two moments, what they say to me about my political affiliation and identity, how they relate to the subtitle of the conference Leadership, Authority, Political Identity, and __________… what is my blank? Did they help to uncover what was going on in that space? These were the most impactful moments, so much so that it was hard for me to move beyond it for the rest of the day. I know this because for our last small group event where we were grouped with individuals of varying political affiliations and identities, we were accidentally – or purposely; this is still a mystery –  put back into the same group from the morning breakout for a brief moment, and I felt fearful. I was uncomfortable and wanted to run; even 4 hours later! While everyone else felt less comfortable in the group of individuals with varying political identities and affiliations, I felt safer within this space. Were the political views of the morning group then actually that similar? I was the only black woman in a group of all white women. Do I feel safer or less guarded around white women of different political affiliations since I am easily able to code switch and see other sides? 

     Overall, I left this conference feeling happy that I attended but uneasy at the way that it went. I left with more questions than answers, feeling that I have a lot of learning about the world and about myself to do and ultimately just overwhelmed and exhausted.

Still, I can’t wait to do it again!